Monday Interview Series: Father Time

Well here we are, at the end of another year. I was wondering who I could get on such a busy night, and I was lucky enough to bump into our guest on his way to Times Square. He graciously agreed to take a minute and talk with us a little. He's in a hurry, so we'll get right to it, welcome Father Time!

Greg:  Welcome Father Time. Thanks for stopping by on what must be a very busy night for you.

Time:  You ain't just whistling Dixie, bub! This is just about the most busy night you can imagine. So if you want to ask questions you better hurry, I don't have much time. Get it? Father Time doesn't have much time? Ha, ha, ha, boy irony can sure be ironic sometimes, can't it. Sorry, just a time humor there.

Greg:  Yes, quite witty, you must have been waiting a long time to use that. Or perhaps you've used it many times? Anyway, enough of this idle chit chat. What are your thoughts about this past year as we head into the new one?

Time:  Well, now I've seen so many years come and go they all start to look alike to me. Mind you there are some that stand out, you understand. Take 1776 for instance, lots of excitement there. The year 1 was pretty momentous. The common misconception of course is that the year 1 was the first year, but there were millions before that. I can remember 'em all.

Every year has its ups and downs. You can always find a little good in every year, no matter how bad and a little bad in every year no matter how good it was overall. This year has been no exception. We've had a lot of trials this year, especially lately, but plenty of good moments, too.

Greg:  Yes, I guess you're right. What do you look forward to in the new year?

Time:  Land sakes, I look forward to being able to slow down a little bit. Did you ever notice that January and February kind of plod around a bit? Well that's no accident, sonny! I've got to rest up a bit, recharge my battery. The end of the year is a busy time. Time marches on, but sheesh, no need to rush on without slowing down to smell the roses every so often.

Besides, I've got to take some time to get the old year squared away in his place among eternity and the new year up to speed, otherwise it's like falling off that dadblamed fiscal cliff I hear so much about.

Greg:  I guess everyone has their cliffs that they have to put up with. How do new years prepare for their time?

Time:  I've got a little prep school set up for 'em. Yep, I train 'em up right for a number of years. Just between you and me, the next few years are shaping up pretty nicely if I do say so myself, so you can look forward to better times ahead. Again, just between you and me, the last couple of years have been a little shaky. They did all right, but didn't work out quite as well as 2013, 14 and 15. We're on to some real winners with this lot, I can tell you.

Greg:  Well, I think we can all take a little bit of comfort from that bit of news. Now I know you're in a hurry, so we'll let you fly. Thanks again for spending just a little bit of time with us!

Time:  My pleasure. It was a lot of fun, but I've got to be flying. I always do when I'm having fun. Happy New Year!

Greg:  Happy New Year! And Happy New Year to all of you. Thanks for reading this past year, and have a safe, happy and healthy 2013! God bless!

Monday Interview Series: Ebenezer Scrooge

Okay, it's time to get back to some semblance of normalcy; both with this blog, which I sorely neglected last week, and with life in general. So, since Christmas is next week, and I don't intend to post on Christmas Eve, I was delighted when today's guest consented to be interviewed. Tonight, we'll be talking to that old humbug himself, Ebenezer Scrooge.

So, let's see what the old miser has to say.

Greg:  Welcome, Mr. Scrooge. Merry Christmas and happy holidays!

Scrooge:  What? Oh, er, um, yes...why yes, it is getting to be that time of year! Why Merry Christmas to you my good fellow, and to your family as well.

Greg:  Umm, thank you. Excuse me for asking, but are you feeling all right?

Scrooge:  Never felt better in my life. Fit as a fiddle I am my boy. Why do you ask? 

Greg:  Well, it's just that I didn't expect to get that kind of answer from you. To be honest, I thought you'd get mad, and say something like--

Scrooge:  What? You mean like bah, humbug? No, now don't protest. I know that is what you were driving at. You're an intelligent young man I see. Yes, that was the old Ebenezer Scrooge. I was quite the wet blanket in the old days. I suppose people thought me quite disagreeable--a regular miser. But that all changed a few years back.

Greg:  You don't say. What happened?

Scrooge:  Well I'll tell you my boy, although I doubt you'll believe me. I had an epiphany of sorts. I received a healthy dose of Christmas spirit--three spirits in fact.

Greg:  I don't quite follow you.

Scrooge:  I didn't either, at first. It started one Christmas Eve when I was visited by my old partner, Jacob Marley.

Greg:  How nice, a visit from an old friend.

Scrooge:  Maybe, but in this case Marley had been dead for seven years, so it was quite a shock. To tell you the truth, I never liked him much when he was alive. He was even worse as a ghost. He kept yammering on and on about wasting his time being concerned with accumulating wealth. And then he'd rattle those chains that he'd forged in life. It set my teeth on edge.

To top it all off, he said that I was in danger of sharing his fate, and that I'd better shape up. He told me that I'd be visited by three more ghosts before the night was through. He got my attention with that one--but not for long. I figured I had a touch of indigestion. I burped, and he disappeared, so I quickly forgot about it and went to bed. 

Greg:  I'm guessing that's not the end of the story, though.

Scrooge:  You're right about that. First, the Ghost of Christmas Past took me on a walk down memory lane. That's a very painful road for me, I've got to tell you. Lots of trouble and angst. But there were also some good times, too--things I'd almost forgotten.

The next ghost to pay me a visit was the Ghost of Christmas Present, a thoroughly unpleasant specter  All he did was show me images of my impertinent relations who apparently spend all their time mocking me.I also paid a visit to the family of my lazy clerk, Bob Cratchit. They were very poor--I never realized just how poor they were. His little boy Tiny Tim was such a callow sickly lad. It about broke my heart. And yes, before you say it, I do have a heart.

The third ghost, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, was the most horrifying spirit of all. The visions he showed me were terrible. First, Tiny Tim died, then, I died. I found that nobody really cared for me. In fact, they all despised me. Well, I thought, why would they feel like that? It made me think in spite of myself. The thing that really moved me, though, was that Tiny Tim had died. Such a happy, high spirited lad. There is nothing worse than a suffering child, I don't think.

Greg:  You're right there. So, what was the cause of your change of heart?

Scrooge:  Well, I'd like to say that it was the thought of what would happen to poor Tiny Tim, but if I were truly honest, I would have to say that it was the sight of my own grave. Of course, I knew that in order to avoid that grim apparition, I'd have to change my ways. I was thankful that the way for me to do that was to save Tiny Tim.

Greg:  Tiny Tim got better?

Scrooge:  I am happy to say he did. I made sure he received the best medical care, and I made sure there was always plenty to eat on the Cratchit table. In my life I have accomplished many things and made a mountain of money, but the recovery of Tiny Tim has been my greatest achievement. And, while I may have saved him, I owe him my life, because he just as surely saved me.

Greg:  Well, thank you very much for an unexpectedly enjoyable chat. I hope you have a very merry Christmas.

Scrooge:  And you as well. Keep the Christmas spirit in your heart the whole year 'round, and no chains will be able to contain it. You will soar with angels.

Monday Interview Series: Wendy Darling

Hi all. I'm sorry I was not able to post this interview on Monday. I never like to be late to the party, but there was a lot going on yesterday, and I did not plan very well for that, unfortunately. Anyhow, this week's interview is with Peter Pan's friend, Wendy Darling.

Greg:  Welcome Wendy. It's so nice to have you here.

Wendy:  Why thank you, it's my pleasure I'm sure. My what a charming place you have. So much nicer than Captain Hook's pirate ship.It's just a little messy is all.

Greg:  Well, I should hope it's nicer than a pirate ship. Hey, you don't have to pick anything else. I was going to do it, really I was.

Wendy:  Oh it's no bother. I rather like it. I was always cleaning up after Peter and the Lost Boys and my brothers.

Greg:  Oh yes, Peter Pan. So those stories were true? Did you really visit Neverland with him and have fantastic adventures?

Wendy:  Why yes indeed. Peter brought John and Michael and I to Neverland. They needed a mother you see to tell them stories and darn their socks and clean up after them.

Greg:  To be honest, I don't think that sounds all that thrilling for you.

Wendy:  Oh but it was. You see, in between all of that, we had the most marvelous adventures with the indians and the Lost Boys. Then there was the fun we had flying around and pulling tricks on Captain Hook and the pirates. We had such fun.

Greg:  That sounds more like it. What about your relationship with Peter? He's an interesting chap, is he not?

Wendy:  Why yes, but quite strange. He'll never grow up. I wanted to give him a kiss, but he gave me a thimble instead. I offered him my mother, but he wanted to go back to Neverland. He's always been very sweet, and he always will be. 

Greg:  So there's no truth to the rumor about a rivalry between you and Tinkerbell for Peter's affections?

Wendy:  I should say not. Of course I can't speak for Tinkerbell, but I have always held her in the highest regard. We both care for Peter. For my part my affection is more friendly, um, much as one would regard a brother. Now Tinkerbell may have an entirely different view of the matter, but you would have to ask her about that.

Greg:  Fair enough. What would you say was your favorite part of Neverland?

Wendy:  Flying with Peter. It is such fun to fly through the air free as a bird, thinking happy thoughts. To see Neverland from the air is something that everyone should experience at least once.

Greg:  Do you ever see much of Peter these days?

Wendy:  Well, I'm old now, and my children have all grown. But Peter still comes to see me every spring to ask me to help with his spring cleaning. Deep down I would love to go, but of course I am much too old now. I don't have quite as many happy thoughts as I did when I was young. Mind you, I am not awash in gloomy thoughts, it's just that I am not a child anymore and I lack the innocence I once had.

Greg:  I know what you mean. Gone are the days when I would take a stick and pretend it was a sword and have all sorts of adventures. Oh well, at least we can remember, can't we? Thank you so much for spending some time with us.

Wendy:  It was my pleasure. If I were you, I would find a stick and have an adventure. You're never too old. As for me, I believe that if Peter comes next spring I shall go with him. I want to soar again.

Monday Interview Series: Charlotte

Hi, I hope everyone's Thanksgiving break was very nice and you all got a chance to eat some good food and catch up with family and friends. This week, I was trying to think of someone extra special to interview. Then I saw someone just hanging around, and I knew I'd found the perfect person. I'm talking about everyone's favorite arachnid, Charlotte. Let's see what she had to say.

Greg:  Welcome, Charlotte. Thanks for taking some time out to talk with us.

Charlotte:  Not at all. Salutations to you and all your readers. It is such good fun to be here having a dialog with you.

Greg:  Oh yes, you like large words. You speak beautifully. What is your full name, if I may ask?

Charlotte:  Indeed you may. My full name is Charlotte A. Cavatica. It is a splendid name, don't you think?

Greg:  Yes, yes it is. I was wondering, why did you save Wilbur?

Charlotte:  Why? Because he is my friend. We became friends on his first night in thee barnyard. He was sad because his friend Fern had sold him to farmer Zuckerman. He was so lonely. I was lonely as well. He is such a dear. He befriended me, no questions asked.

Greg:  I see. How did you come up with the idea of messages in your web as a means of salvation?

Charlotte:  I knew that I had to make Wilbur famous, so famous that Zuckerman would not be able to slaughter Wilbur. People will not kill the goose that lays the golden egg is they have any sense at all. Now Zuckerman might not have a lot, but he does have common sense in abundance, so I thought it reasonable to assume that Wilbur's life would be spared if Zuckerman stood to benefit.

Greg:  A reasonable assumption, and one that turned out to be correct. But how did you learn to weave words into your web? Most spiders that I know can't even spell.

Charlotte:  Really? How odd. All spiders as a rule are exceptionally intelligent. I am dumbfounded that you have met any illiterate spiders. They weren't black widows were they? Black widows are intelligent, but they pretend not to be. It's their nature to be contrary, it comes with the name I believe.

Now, to answer your question. Spelling is one thing--most humans can do it--but spinning words into a web is quite another. Wilbur tried it once, but he did not get far. He lacked know how and spinnerets. I was lucky because I come from a long line of spellers, who are by nature most acrobatic. 

Greg:  It was fortunate that you were there for Wilbur.

Charlotte:  Yes, I suppose. It was also fortunate for me, because Wilbur gave me a very special gift.

Greg:  And what was that?

Charlotte:  Friendship. It is a gift that no one had given me until Wilbur, and it made all the difference in my life. So, naturally, I tried to make a difference in his life, too. When it comes down to it, that is the most that any one of us can hope to accomplish, to help make the lives of others a little better.

Greg:  Well, thank you for that though Charlotte. Please come back and visit us soon.

Charlotte:  Thank you. I enjoyed my time here. Now, I've got to be moving along. Templeton promised to find me some more words, just in case I need them in the future. He can be a real rat sometimes, but underneath it all, he's got the heart of an arachnid! 

Monday Interview Series: Rapunzel

Today, I'm up in a tall tower speaking with a lovely young lady with the longest hair I've ever seen. Yes, that's right, I'm visiting with Rapunzel.

Greg:  Hi Rapunzel. Thanks for inviting me to spend some time with you.

Rapunzel:  It's my pleasure. I never get visitors here, except for Dame Gothel, and she's no fun. She says she's my mother, but we don't look anything alike. Her hair's way too short, for one thing. I wish I could get out of this tower and see the world. What's it like outside?

Greg:  Some parts of it are quite nice, but there are other parts that you'd do well to stay away from. So I take it you're not happy in your tower?

Rapunzel:  Oh it's not so bad. I've got cable, my laptop and my smartphone. 

Greg:  Really? I'm surprised Dame Gothel lets you communicate with the outside world.

Rapunzel:  She doesn't mind because she monitors my e-mails and won't let me disclose my location. But I can only update my blog and play Angry Birds so many times before it becomes tedious. That's why I advertised for a prince.

Greg:  You, what?

Rapunzel:  I advertised for a prince. I thought that maybe I could hire one to rescue me. I looked on Ebay, but there weren't any available, except one. Some chick named Snow White put in a bid for him at the last second and stole him from me. Oh well, he probably wasn't a real prince. He said his name was Prince Charming. I mean, imagine. That couldn't have been his real name.

Anyhow, I put my photo up on Match.com, so I'm expecting a prince to get in touch with me any day. Once I get a response, I'll post my location on Google Maps and wait for him to come get me.

Greg:  Oh I doubt your tower would show up there.

Rapunzel:  It'll show up. Just last month, the Google Maps camera car passed right by here. The picture is up, I checked it yesterday.

Greg:  You certainly seem to have your plans all laid out. It seems like there's only one small problem.

Rapunzel:  Oh, what's that?

Greg:  Dame Gothel! Won't she be just a little bit put out if you try to escape from the tower?

Rapunzel:  Escape? Why would I want to escape?

Greg:  Isn't that what all this prince business is about, to get out of the tower?

Rapunzel:  Oh, I can see you don't understand. No, I don't want to escape, I just want to go out on a date or two. I've got everything I need here, I just need to get out every once in a while. I want to go to a real restaurant. All I can ever get is pizza or Chinese, and by the time I pull it up with my hair and lower the money, it's cold. 

Then there's shopping. I'm tired of doing it online. I want to go to a store and, you know, try stuff on. Shopping for clothes online stinks. If I find something that's cute and order it, lots of times it looks awful on me. It's hard to find outfits that aren't overpowered by long hair. So then I have to send it back.

Greg:  Well good luck with your search. I hope you find someone to take you out.

Rapunzel:  Actually, you have a car, don't you? I hear there's a sale at Penny's. You could take me and we could be back by the time Dame Gothel gets here. I'll need help getting the bags and boxes hidden. Don't worry, I'll pay for the gas.

Monday Interview Series: Mary Poppins

With the east coast currently feeling the wrath of hurricane Sandy, I was at loose ends to secure an interview this week. I mean, between trips to the store for bottled water, charging up cell phones, laptops and sundry other devices, and securing everything in the yard, who had time? I hope everyone is riding out the storm safely. If the storm has hit your area, please stay safe indoors!

Luckily, the wind blew at least a little good fortune my way. Mary Poppins dropped in to save my bacon and have a chat. It was a practically perfect bit of serendipity!

 Greg:  Welcome Mary! Thank you so much for coming by. Your timing was perfect.

Mary:  Naturally. I must say, what a perfectly blustery day it is. I haven't seen such wind since Bert the chimney sweep overdid it on the chutney at my Uncle Albert's. Frightful!

Greg:  Yes, well this weather has been frightful for many people around here. But let's forget about that for a while. Tell us all a little bit about your charges at number 17, Cherry Tree Lane.

Mary:  The Banks? Marvelous family, simply marvelous! Mind you, they were in a frightful state when I first encountered them.

Greg:  Really? What was the matter?

Mary:  Well, where to start? The head of the family, Mr. George Banks, was positively too involved with work. He never had any time for his family. His wife, Winifred, had absolutely no head for managing a household. I don't know how they made it as far as they did before I came along.

Greg:  What about the children?

Mary:  I'm afraid the children, Jane and Michael, were in the worst state of all. They were always acting up. They went through so many nannies trying to get their parents' attention that they had developed quite a nasty reputation among London's domestic class.

Naturally, it was only a matter of time before they came to my attention, and I had to take matters into my own hands.

Greg:  It sounds just like calling in the Marines, or maybe the paratroopers.

Mary:  Quite so. I descended on them with the East Wind. Naturally, the parents put up a little bit of a fuss, but I managed to maneuver around them quite nicely. Grownups can be a frightful bore without even putting their minds to it, and I must say that those two put half a mind to it at least. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but it sounds good.

However, Jane and Michael were another story. Children are frightfully clever, and no one gives them any credit in that regard, or just about any other for that matter. They were veterans of thee Nanny Wars, and were determined not to surrender. I knew perfectly well what was going on in their little heads, so I laid the cards on thee table, spit spot. 

Greg:  What did you do?

I started pulling all sorts of things out of my carpet bag. That got their attention. It told them that here was someone out of the ordinary who was not to be trifled with. Thee next step was to alter their way of thinking. They looked at work as, well, work. I taught them to make a game out of it. That way, they got their work done and had a bit of fun at the same time.

Of course Bert was a big help. He can be very charming when he wants to be.

Greg:  Bert? Oh yes, good-natured, jack of all trades chap. What's the story with you two? In the film, it looked like sparks were flying.



Mary:  A proper girl does not talk of such things. Bert and I are just good friends. We could never be anything but, what with me flitting about to different children's homes all the time. I am far from ready to settle down in one place for the rest of my life. And Bert is hardly ready for that sort of life, either. He still enjoys a night out with the boys dancing on the rooftops too much for my tastes. No, he is not ready to settle down either.

Still, if we both were ready, then I think Bert would be a fine choice. He is gentle and kind, charming and really quite funny in an oafish sort of way...but I digress. No, there's nothing there at all, really.

Greg:  Okay, if you say so. We'll leave it at that for now. You say that Mr. & Mrs. Banks were really no trouble, but is that really true?

Mary:  I said they were no trouble to maneuver around and get my foot in the door. Later on they proved to be quite a bother, Mr. Banks in particular. You see, he had this frightfully annoying idea that work was more important than anything else, his family included.

He stuck to that misguided notion for a long time, but I was able to change his mind on that score. Bert was very helpful in that regard, for Bert takes the entirely opposite point of view. Yes, in the end he came to realize that his family was more important than anything else in his life. When that happened, my work was done.

Greg:  Perfect! Well, thank you so much for stopping by. You've made this dreary day a little brighter by chatting with us for a bit.

Mary:  It was my pleasure entirely, Greg. Now, I feel the wind is changing, so I must be off. Do look me up when you're in London. I have to drop in on Bert, there's something I think I have to speak with him about.

Monday Interview Series: Pinocchio

Today, I have the great pleasure to interview another beloved character from children's literature--Pinocchio.  We actually had a tense moment here at The Deliverers Publishing Headquarters when we had to rescue the world's most famous wooden boy from a flock of woodpeckers. Luckily we were able to shoo them off, and Pinocchio was unscathed. So, let's see what our young friend has to share with us.

Greg:  Sorry about those birds. I can't understand it.

Pinocchio:  No worries, it happens all the time. I guess it's just a life hazard.

Greg:  All the same, I'm embarrassed that you had that little mishap on our doorstep. Now, I have to ask, are you the traditional Pinocchio, or the Disney version?

Pinocchio:  Huh? What do you mean?

Greg:  The original Pinocchio came to a bad end, the Disney Pinocchio came out okay in the end.

Pinocchio:  Oh, well then I'm the Disney version. After all, I'm an animated wooden toy. Ha! Get it? Not bad for a blockhead!

Greg:  Very funny. You have a future in show business. 

Pinocchio:  I was once on the stage, but it wasn't a very happy time for me. I spent most of my time in a cage. I've had a number of experiences in my short life, most of them unpleasant. 

Greg:  Care to talk about it?

Pinocchio:  You sound like my conscience, Jiminy Cricket. He's big on talking things out. Sure, I can talk. I was led astray by a fox named Honest John and his cat friend, Gideon the cat. I wound up in some rundown sideshow. I begged the Blue Fairy for help, but I wound up lying to her, and my nose grew real big, so she was no help. Jiminy bailed me out of that one. Jiminy was all for going home after that, but I foolishly gave him the slip.

Greg:  That doesn't sound like a very wise decision. What happened?

Pinocchio:  I wound up falling in with more undesirable companions. This time, I thought I was headed to a great playland with some other kids. They carted us off to this island, and it was fun at first. We were able to do all sorts of things we weren't allowed to. Then, things got freaky. Everyone-all the kids, I mean-started turning into donkeys. That was weird, but then I started turning into one, too.

Greg:  Hmmm, might be a lesson in that somewhere, don't you think?

Pinocchio:  Boy, now you're sounding like Jiminy again. Yeah, there was a lesson--when kids all around you are turning into donkeys, it's time to get going. I got off that island as fast as I could, and went home. But guess what? My father, Geppetto, had gone out to rescue me, and had been swallowed by a giant whale.

I went out to rescue him, but I wound up getting eaten as well. It turned out to be a lucky thing, because I lit a fire in the whale's belly and he coughed us up real quick. Have you ever been regurgitated by a whale? It's gross.

But anyway, we were out of there. We managed to drift to shore, so the story has a happy ending. Now, I'm a real live flesh and blood boy, and Jiminy is a full-fledged conscience, so everything turned out okay.

Greg:  I'm very pleased to hear it. One thing puzzles me, though. If you're a flesh and blood boy now, why were the woodpeckers attacking you?

Pinocchio:  Oh, well I may be a flesh and blood boy, but I'm still kind of a blockhead. Woodpeckers can spot that a mile away!

Monday Interview Series: Old King Cole

Today, I'm very honored to have the privilege to speak with an actual king. This is definitely a first for The Deliverers blog.  How exciting! This king is also by far the merriest soul that we've had the pleasure to interview, at least that's his reputation. I'm talking, of course, about Old King Cole.

Greg:  Good evening, Your Highness, I must say what a great honor it is to have the chance to interview you.

King Cole:  You're right, it is an honor for you. But thanks for inviting me. It gives me a chance to get out of the castle for once.

Greg:  Well, glad we could help out. Um, forgive my asking, but are you well? 

King Cole:  I'm perfectly fine. Why do you ask?

Greg:  Oh, no reason really. It's just that you don't look as merry as I thought you would. As a matter of fact, you look positively glum.

King Cole:  Oh that. People often make that mistake. Since that nursery rhyme came out, everyone expects me to be merry and jolly all the time. 

Greg:  Well, you are Old King Cole who's a merry old soul...

King Cole:  And a merry old soul was he. Yes, yes I know the rhyme as well as the next person, but it's extremely misleading. I mean, life's not all pipes and bowls and a trio of fiddlers, is it? People forget that I've got a kingdom to run, and that's no day at the beach I can tell you.

Greg:  Oh dear, it isn't?

King Cole:  It most certainly is not. For one thing, I have to do all sorts of tedious government work. There's mediating disputes, knighting people, and the proclamations--don't get me started about the proclamations! I tell you, when you read about kings in the history books, they don't tell you about all the paperwork. It's nothing but sign this and stamp that. And that royal seal--I can't tell you how many doublets I've ruined with dripping wax.

Greg:  It doesn't sound that glamorous when you put it like that. Uh, getting back to the point, I've always been curious about what kingdom you rule.

King Cole:  Oh it's a lovely kingdom up north. Very pretty mountains. Skiing is quite popular there.

Greg:  It sounds really nice.

King Cole:  Well, it is if you like snow. Unfortunately, I don't. Beastly stuff, all cold and wet. Just try and get a horse and carriage through that stuff--virtually impossible. And the heating bills. There are 50 fireplaces in the castle, and they have to be kept going 24/7 for at least nine months out of the year. Do you know how much wood that comes out to? 

In all the stories woodcutters are poor and destitute, but that's just a myth. In my country, they're rolling in cash. Actually, I'm looking into alternative sources of fuel, things that are more economical and burn more cleanly. Do you know anything about oil? Is it really as cheap as I've heard?

Greg:  If there's one thing I've learned just from this interview, it's that you can't believe everything you hear.

King Cole:  You never spoke a truer word. Take for example this nursery rhyme about me. Everyone thinks that I'm a smoker because I called for my pipe. I never smoked a day in my life. I was calling for my recorder so that I could play with my fiddlers. But everyone misunderstood. I get letters every day from anti-smoking groups telling me that I'm a bad influence on children. I try to explain, but they don't want to hear it.

Greg:  You know, I never really stopped to consider that the rhyme might not have painted an entirely accurate picture of you. I can understand how frustrating that must be for you.

King Cole:  Thank you for helping me clear the air. It's okay being a merry old soul sometimes, but to be perpetually labeled as such is more than an old soul like me can stand.

Greg:  Well, thank you for taking the time to sit and talk with us, it has been most enlightening.

King Cole:  Any time my dear boy. Now if you could just point me in the direction of OPEC. I hear they live in a land that sees snow once in a blue moon. Ah, that must be nice. 

Monday Interview Series: Jack, But Not the Beanstalk

Today, I'm talking to someone who's really getting up in the world. He's a small-time farmer who wound up making the deal of the century, although his dreams nearly came crashing down. i'm talking of course about Jack of Jack & the Beanstalk fame. Let's see what this social climber has to say.

Greg:  Welcome, Jack. Nice of you to drop in. How is everything?

Jack:  Oh fair t' middlin', fair t' middlin', squire. Nice t' see ya.

Greg:  I understand you've had some exciting times recently. I was hoping you could tell us a little bit about what's been going on.

Jack:  Goin' on? What're you on about? There ain't been nothin' goin' on, squire.

Greg:  Oh, really? I'm terribly sorry, but I was led to believe that you had some exciting times that led you a sudden rise in your fortunes recently. I just wanted to congratulate you and see if you could elaborate a little for the benefit of our readers.

Jack:  Oh aye? Well if that's all ya want t' know, I think I can oblige. Although, I'm not sure that you're goin' t' believe it.

Greg:  My, that sounds intriguing. What wouldn't we believe?

Jack:  Well, I'll tell you. You see, me and me mum used t' live in this rundown old farmhouse on land what was pretty much played out, if you take my meanin'. The only thing on the place that was the least bit productive was our old cow.

She were a bonny old thing. I'm talking' 'bout the cow, mind. Mum were a little scary. Any road, one day the old bag o' bones--that's the cow, not mum--stopped givin' milk. Well, mum up an' tells me t' take her down t' the market--the cow, not her--an' sell her so's we can have a little bit o' cash t' tide us over.

Greg:  Well, I suppose that's reasonable. Get rid of an asset that's goin' south and cash in on it while you can. She's not a banker by any chance is she?

Jack:  Nay, though I daresay we'd a been better off if she were. So, what could I do but take ol' bossy--that's the cow--into market to sell her. Only thing is, I didn't make it into town. See, what happened was, some ol' bloke I met on the road made an offer before I even got there. He offered me--are you ready for this--he offered me a handful o' beans.

Greg:  Beans? That doesn't sound like a fair trade.

Jack:  Ah, but this is where things get interestin'. He says they ain't just any beans, they's magic beans. Well, what could I do? I mean, how many times does a lad get offered magic beans in a trade, I ask ya? Well, I ain't no fool. I took 'em before he had a chance t' change his mind. Handed the cow right over quick as ya please, and was off home.

Greg:  Really, you took the beans?

Jack:  Right you are, squire. Well, you an' me mum must have the same closed mind, because she took one look at them beans an' flung 'em out the window. I never, perfectly good magic beans an' all. Vooom, right out the window. She gave me a right good toungue-lashin', too.

Well, we went t' sleep an' guess what? overnight, them beans grew. They grew real tall. When I woke up t' feed the hens, a huge beanstalk had grown all the way up into the sky.

Greg:  Well, what did you do?

Jack:  I did the only thing a bloke could do. I clumb up the blinkin' stalk. And when I got up t' the top, I found this house. A giant lived there. He were bent on eatin' me, but I managed t' pinch his purse. When I got it home, mum weren't half as cross with me as she was before.

We lived the high life for a while. But then, the treasury run dry, and mum, she tells me t' climb up and get some more loot. Now, I was all for gettin' rid of that beanstalk. I mean, it was hard t' explain it t' the neighbors and all, much less how we got all that gold. All I heard day in and day out was "Where'd that beanstalk come from, Jack?" or "what'd ya do, rob a Miracle Grow factory, Jack?". 

Then, we got that notice t' remove the stalk from the zonin' commission. Anyway, I hoofed it up the stalk again. I did have me eye on one thing. I'd noticed that the giant had this special chicken what laid gold eggs. I mean, solid gold.

Greg:  Gold eggs, are you serious?

Jack:  Course I'm serious, mate. Real live solid gold eggs. So, i clumb up again, and luckily the giant was out pillaging or whatnot. So, I grabbed the bird--the chicken, not me mum--and hoofed it toward the beanstalk. 

Well, I was nearly there when the giant catches sight o' me. now, he's a good ways away, so I thought I was home and dry, but what I forgot was, giants take giant steps. So he was on me like a shot. I fairly slid down that beanstalk, with the giant comin' hot on m' heels.

When I got t' the bottom, I yelled for the ax. Me mum wanted t' know what for. I pointed t' the giant comin' down, and she hoofed it right quick. I chopped down the beanstalk and the giant came down crash in m' field, dead as a doornail.

Greg:  Wow, that was a close call. So, after that I suppose your troubles were over. 

Jack:  Don't you believe it, squire. They was just beginnin'. I mean, what was I goin' t' do with a blinkin' great dead giant? You thought the neighbors was askin' questions before? They were nothin' like the questions I'm gettin' now. "Hey Jack, what ya gonna do with that dead giant, eh? He's startin' t' turn!". What am I s'posed t' do? And Zonin', don't let's even start t' talk about them. They won't let me alone. I mean, no amount o' treasure is worth this.

Greg:  Yes, well, I'm sure you'll geet it all sorted out in short order. Thanks for stopping by.

Jack:  Sorted out? If I ever get me hands on the bloke that sold me them beans, I'll sort him out, I can tell you. "All your troubles'll be over" he says. Ha!

Monday Interview Series: Jo March

Today I have a special treat for you. I've been able to get in touch with one of the darlings of children's literature, and she's graciously agreed to spend some time with us. So, without further ado let's take a minute to chat with Little Women's Jo March.

Greg:  Hello Jo. Thanks for agreeing to talk with us.

Jo:  It's my pleasure. I enjoy sitting of an evening and talking with friends and family.

Greg:  Yes, it's something that's not done often enough these days. Why don't you tell us a little bit about your friends and family. How are they doing these days?

Jo:  Oh fine, fine. I must say that the family is growing by leaps and bounds, and everyone is fit and well, thankfully. Marmee and Papa are well and quite contented now that Papa is home and the war is over. 

Greg:  It's good to hear they are well. What news do you have of your sisters? 

Jo:  Oh they are fine. Meg and John are doing well, and the twins, Daisy and Demi, are flourishing. John's work as a tutor keeps him quite busy. At times I fear that Meg is left overlong with the twins on her own. They can be very demanding, and at times things get tedious for her. She bears it well, though. After all, it is what is expected of her.

Greg:  Still, it sounds like she could use a break every now and again. Does anyone ever give her a hand?

Jo:  We all help out from time to time, but I am afraid she is left on her own to cope more often than not.

Greg: And what of your youngest sister, Amy?

Jo:  She is married now, did you not know? You'll never guess who to! Well, our Aunt March took her abroad to paint and attend to her. And who do you suppose she met over there? Why  none other than our own dear, sweet Laurie! He was in Europe studying abroad. It was a happy coincidence that they should meet so far from home.

A few years had passed and they had much changed in each other's eyes. Well, shortly after, after Beth died, Amy came home with Laurie at her side and they were married! Everyone was mush surprised, but we were happy that Amy had married someone of such fine character. Thee fact that he was so well to do was not unappreciated, either.

Greg:  Oh how lovely. That brings me to Beth. I know that it must be hard for you to speak of her, but I was hoping you could share some of your fondest memories of her.

Jo:  It is not hard for me to think of her. In fact, I think of her every day, and always my heart is lightened when I think of her. She was with us for only a relatively short time, but she is at the root of all my fondest memories of home and growing up. In fact at times, the two--home and Beth--are indistinguishable in my memory.

I think my fondest memories are of her playing the piano and acting in our little plays up beneath the eaves in the attic. She loved her cats and her dolls. Sometimes I almost envy Beth, for she will remain young for all time, while we will age and eventually fade away.

Greg:  Hmmm, interesting observation. And how is your life faring, if I may ask?

Jo:  My book is selling above and beyond my expectations. So much so, in fact, that I must admit that my publishers have requested another manuscript, which I am endeavoring to finish as soon as may be.

Of course, I am hard pressed for writing time what with taking care of my nephews Franz and Emil, and our two sons, Rob and Teddy. My husband, Friedrich, is a wonderful teacher. It was he who encouraged me to address serious matters in my writing. I never thought I could ever feel toward someone what I feel for him.

Greg:  That's great. I'm glad that everything is going so well. Thanks for stopping by and giving us an update.

Jo:  Life keeps moving along. Old memories mix with new, weaving a tapestry that we can wrap around us like a warm quilt to see us through  cold, lean times. I have really enjoyed talking with you as well, sir. Good day to you.

Monday Interview Series: The Scarecrow

Now that fall has arrived and elections, both local and national, are coming up in a couple of months, I am growing thoroughly sick of all the political ads. I'm not one to get political, especially in this blog, but it seems to me that we would be better served to be led by folks who check their egos at the door and use their brains.

Instead, all these politicians do is talk, talk, talk and rake each other over the coals. This reminds me of something this week's interviewee once said--"I've noticed that some people without brains do an awful lot of talking," which I think sums up modern day politics perfectly.

Okay, I'm down off my soapbox. This week, I'm talking with someone who claims they have no brain himself, but who seems to me to be very wise. Of course, I'm referring to the Scarecrow from The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

Greg:  Thank you so much for coming over to chat with us a bit. What have you been up to?

Scarecrow:  Oh, quite a lot, actually. It's really been a whirlwind since I met Dorothy--no pun intended.

Greg:  Yes, well you certainly had an adventure what with meeting Dorothy and the Tin Man and the Lion, and nearly being burned by the Wicked Witch.

Scarecrow:  Ooh! Let's not talk about that. It certainly was scary, like being trapped inside my worst nightmare. Still it wasn't all bad. I got to meet Dorothy and made some wonderful friends. Oh yes, and don't forget that the Wizard gave me some brains. I was a real dolt before that.

Greg:  Oh I don't know about that. You seemed to come up with some great ideas before you got anywhere near the Emerald City. For instance, who was it that got the trees to throw apples at you? Who came up with the plan to get into the Witch's castle? And, who chopped the rope that dropped the chandelier onto the Witch's guards? That wasn't the work of a dummy.

Scarecrow:  That was just luck. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time is all. Besides, things didn't really start to take off for me until after the Wizard gave me my brains.

Greg:  Really? How so?

Scarecrow:  Well, you see, just before the Wizard took off in his balloon, he appointed me to rule in his stead. Now you can imagine how scary that was for a humble country bumpkin like myself who had only had his brains for a very short while. Of course, I did the best I could. Folks seemed to be reasonably happy with the job I did.

On the whole, I felt I did an okay job. Of course after a while there was this coup by General Jinjur, so I guess things might not have gone as smoothly as I would have liked. I was able to get help from Glinda the Good Witch on that occasion, so things turned out okay in the long run.

Greg:  That sounds exciting. Things seem to have worked out well for you. Are you still ruler of Oz?

Scarecrow:  It's funny how things work out. You see, I was almost happy that I got ousted. Once I was restored to power, I wasn't really happy. Then Ozma came along. I was more than happy to pass the job along to her, and to become one of her advisors. I found it was much easier to offer advice than to actually have to make a decision.

Greg:  Yes, well good for you. I'm glad you finally found your happy place. And after all, didn't the Tin Woodman declare you the wisest man in Oz?

Scarecrow:  It was very kind of him to say, and I must admit there is some truth to it. Not to sound conceited, but people do come to me from all corners of Oz and beyond ask for my advice.

Greg:  Really? Well, how very nice for you. And what are you up to these days?

Scarecrow:  I am currently outstanding in my field.

Greg:  Oh yes, and what field is that?

Scarecrow:  No, no, you misunderstand me. I've gone back to my roots. I've returned to thee field where Dorothy found me, and I can usually be found out standing in it. Get it? I'm usually out standing in my field? That's a little bit of brainy humor. Now if you'll excuse me, there are some crows that need outsmarting. Bye, now!

Monday Interview Series: Ali Baba

This week we are talking with someone who's really made something of himself. He started out as a poor woodcutter, and is now a very wealthy merchant. I'm talking of course about Ali Baba. Let's see if we can find out the secret of his success.

Greg:  Hello. I'm so glad you could take a few minutes to talk with us. You must be very busy.

Ali Baba:  Yes, things are very busy just now. I deal in spices. All the spices of the Orient. I have a caravan that travels the Silk Road to bring many exotic flavors to the west.

Greg:  My, you certainly have a lot going on. Tell me, do you ever yearn for the simpler days when you were a humble woodcutter?

Ali Baba:  No, not really. Those were simpler times, but hard. I do not think that I would ever want to return there. 

Greg:  I can understand that. So, I have to ask, what is the secret to your sudden success?

Ali Baba:  Well, er, um, I don't know if I should say. After all, we've only just met and you might, er, be indiscreet.

Greg:  No I won't, I promise. Please tell me, please, please pleeeease?

Ali Baba:  Oh all right stop whining. I will tell you, but you must promise to tell no one else!

Greg:  Oh, I promise. I will not say anything about it. I'll leave that up to you.

Ali Baba: Very well. I was fortunate enough to stumble upon a little bit of money. With that money I was able to purchase my brother Cassim's business. Thee rest is history and hard work. The business was not worth much when I bought it, but I have managed to build it up through the sweat of my brow.

Greg:  Oh really. What happened to Cassim, then?

Ali Baba:  Oh, he retired to Florida. He's very happy there. I believe he golfs daily and is president of his local Lions Club.

Greg:  But, that's it? What about the robbers' cave--Open Sesame and the hidden treasure trove?

Ali Baba:  What are you talking about?

Greg:  The story. Surely that's how you made your fortune. There were 40 thieves. You stumbled upon their cave and heard them open it by saying Open sesame. You took some gold and your brother found out about it. He went to get some money, but the thieves found him there and cut him up. Then they came to your house. The leader was disguised as an oil merchant and the rest were hidden in oil jars. You discovered this and poured boiling oil in the jars and killed them. After that you were rich. That story!

Ali Baba:  Oh, ho, ho! You should not believe everything that you read, sir! Oh boy, what a riot. Wait until I go home and tell the wife and kids! How very amusing. To think that you believed such a far-fetched story.

Greg:  So you mean that the story of Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves...

Ali Baba:  Is just a legend? Yes. You cannot believe everything you read, my boy. Oh I have heard some doozies in my time, but this one takes the cake. Next you'll tell me you believe in flying carpets and jeanies!

Greg:  What, you mean Aladdin is just a legend, too? But it seemed so real in the movie!

Ali Baba:  Oh, now that's rich, you a just a cross between a bird and a cow-- a gull-i-bull--gullible, get it? Oh, that's a hoot. Now I have to leave. I've got so much to do. I just oiled my thieves and I can't do a thing with them. Ha, ha, hoo, hoo!

Well, that was rather embarrassing! Anyway, here's a little bit from Kermit the Frog, who also seems to have bought into the legend.

Monday Interview Series: Humpty Dumpty

Hello everyone. I'm here in the hospital, because I've just received some exciting news in the case of Humpty Dumpty. The legendary egg called me and asked me to meet him here, so that he could share what he claims is some extraordinary news. He would not elaborate further, but I will do my best to bring to light all the facts in what promises to be a remarkable press conference.

Greg:  Hi Humpty. I rushed right over like you asked. What's the big news?

Humpty:  Well, thank you for being so prompt my good fellow. Yes indeed, I do have some splendid news. I've been notified that I qualify for a new procedure. It's been in development for quite some time, but has not been fully certified by the FDA, so it is still regarded as experimental.

Greg:  That sounds encouraging, but also a little bit risky.

Humpty:  Yes, well there are risks, but ever since that sad day when I fell off the wall, life has been touch and go. All the king's men--and his horses--were totally useless. I only managed to survive because some quick-thinking passerby got my yolk into a ziplock bag and stuck the whole caboodle into their lunch box which had a cold pack inside. 

After that, the folks at thee hospital constructed this plastic bubble which has been my home for ages. A bit claustrophobic, but much better than the alternative. Anyway, my doctor has advised me that the potential benefits far outweigh the risks involved.

Greg:  I see. Well when you put it like that, I have to agree. What is this exciting new procedure?

Humpty:  It's called a shell transplant.

Greg:  Shell transplant? You mean, like an organ transplant?

Humpty:  Well, yes and no. The shell is not natural. It was grown in a lab in two halves. As I understand it, they will put all my internal parts--my white and my yolk--into the bottom half of the shell. Then, they'll place the pointier half on top. A team of surgeons will then fuse the two halves together using lasers, which will form a bond that should hold everything together for good.

Greg:  I see. Well, it certainly is amazing what science can accomplish nowadays.

Humpty:  It certainly is. This shell comes with a whole bunch of features, too. They're not covered by my HMO, but I decided to splurge.

Greg: What sort of extras?

Humpty:  Let's see. There's wi-fi, satellite TV and radio, and a built-in GPS. On the practical side, there's a shell stress detector which sounds a warning if any part of my exterior is in danger of cracking, a self-contained lifting device for getting out of my carton in the morning, and an IHB.

Greg:  I'm sorry, IHB?

Humpty:  Instant Hard Boiler. If I am ever in danger of falling off a wall, the IHB will deploy, and I'll be hard boiled before I hit the ground. This should avoid thee near tragedy of last time. All I would have to do is get another transplant.

Greg:  I don't know if you should be going near any more walls after this. Well, I see the doctors are heading this way with a gurney, so best of luck, and I'll see you in the recovery room.

Humpty:  Thank you. I'm afraid I won't be able to stay away from walls, though. I love them, feeling the wind in my face as I sit on one. As a matter of fact, as soon as I get out of the hospital, I'm going to visit the Great Wall. I've always wanted to go there. It should be very exhilarating sitting on that!  

Monday Interview Series: The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe

Happy Labor Day, everybody! I hope you're all enjoying the "last" day of summer. Christian and Abigail are all set to start school tomorrow. Today we had a cookout, and a fire in the fire oit with burgers, hot dogs and s'mores, yum!

Since it's Labor Day, I figured it would be good to talk to someone who is constantly working--the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe. After all, she has so many children she doesn't know what to do. Let's find out what she thinks of Labor Day and back to school.

Greg:  Thanks for taking time out to chat with us. I know you've got an extremely busy schedule.

Old Lady:  Yes, well, I just got the last one down to bed. Now I have about two minutes to chat before I start the laundry.

Greg:  Okay, I'll try to make this quick. How many children do you have, exactly?

Old Lady:  So many that I don't know what to do. To be perfectly frank, I lost count at 30, and that was quite a while ago.

Greg:  Wow. Did you give birth to all of them?

Old Lady:  No, unlike that woman down south who has 19 and is still counting, I did not. I adopted most of my little darlings. There are plenty enough young ones in the world without homes. So, I decided to open mine to as many as possible.

Greg:  Well, I must say that is very admirable. However, a shoe?

Old Lady:  Be it ever so humble, it's still a good home, and I have yet to hear any of the children complain. Still, I have to admit that it does get a bit cramped at times. Why only the other day I was speaking with Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater about renting out his pumpkin shell, but he's still got his wife in there. He keeps her very well in it, so much so that now she won't come out, so that possibility has been cut off.

Greg:  How do you manage to keep the shoe so clean. Where do you find the time?

Old Lady:  Well, you have to make the time, dear. Recently, my neighbor, the farmer in the dell, he replaced my laces with some lovely Velcro. It make it much quicker and easier to give the entire place a thorough airing out. You know how shoes can be--Odor Eaters just don't cut it honey.

Greg:  Well, that will certainly open the place up. Do your children help you?

Old Lady:  The older ones watch the younger ones and help with the chores, but I still have my hands full. I'm glad that school has finally started again. Getting them all out of the shoe for six hours does give me the chance to get caught up a little. But it's not all curds and whey you know. I still have to get several lunches made and outfits laid out. Not to mention the baths, oh I can't bear to talk about them.

I swear, if I have to fight with one more child about washing their hair, I think I'll scream. Then there's breakfast in the morning and off to the bus. If just one is running late, that means the whole group misses the bus, because they won't go to the bus stop until everyone is ready. Then I have to load up the tour bus to take everyone to school, and heaven forbid if I've forgotten to fill the tank. It almost isn't worth the trouble.

Greg:  It sounds like you're doing all this yourself. Isn't there, um, an Old Man Who Lives in the Shoe?

Old Lady:  There was, once, but that snake couldn't take the pressure. One morning he said he was going to market of by a fat pig, and that's the last I saw of the old so-and-so. Don't get me started about him. I wish you hadn't mentioned him at all.

Greg:  I beg your pardon. What do you and the family do for fun?

Old Lady:  Well, I have to admit that it's not all hard work and drudgery. After all, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Actually, Jack's not really that dull, although he is a bit odd. You know, he actually sold his mother's cow for a handful of beans. Oh, that poor woman, the things she has to put up with. Now Jack's into gardening. He took those beans and planted them, although what that will get him, I can't imagine.

Oh, but you were asking what we did for fun, dear. Well let me see, The children are always up for a good game of ring around the rosie. Sometimes we stop by Little Boy Blue's to hear him blow his horn. He's really quite good, you know.

Greg:  Yes, there's nothing like a good concert. Well, thanks for taking some precious time to talk with us. Enjoy the school year!

Old Lady:  Thank you very much. Oh by the way Simple Simon is coming to pick me up at 6 o'clock on Saturday. We're going to the fair! As we discussed, I'll need you here by 5:45 to babysit.

Monday Interview Series: The Ugly Duckling

Last week when I was in New Hampshire, I saw a couple flocks of geese flying above us in a nice "V" formation. It occurred to me that soon we'll be seeing them as they fly south for the winter, kind of an unsettling thought, but fall, and then winter, will be here before you know it.

This line of thought gave me the idea to get in touch with someone who is very familiar with flying south--the Ugly Duckling. I thought it might be interesting to see how he's doing and what his memories are of his tumultuous childhood.

Greg:  Thanks for flying by. So, what are you up to these days?

Duckling:  Well, the usual things swans do, swim on ponds, soar through the air, look graceful.

Greg:  I suppose it's a far cry from the days of your youth.

Duckling:  Oh my, yes. Those were trying times, I can tell you. I thought that I had no future. I certainly did not have a place to call home.

Greg: Tell us a little bit about that. That is, if it's not too painful.

Duckling:  It is rather, but that's all right. My therapist says it's healthy for me to talk these things out. Let's see, I suppose I should start at the beginning. Do I need to lie down?

Greg:  No, that's okay, I'm not a therapist.

Duckling:  It all started right after I was hatched. I was different from my siblings, being much larger and gangly than them. My beak was too big, and I was a different color. The animals in the barnyard called me ugly, and the description stuck.

My mother was very supportive, but my father...well let's just say he wanted nothing to do with me. That was a very hard thing to overcome.

Greg:  Yes, I can see how troubling that could be. But you said that you had no place to call home.

Duckling:  That's right. I couldn't take the daily persecution, so I left the farm as soon as I was able to waddle. It was no fun being alone in the world at such a young age, I can tell you. But, I've always had an independent streak in me. My therapist says it comes from having to fend for my self so early in life.

Anyway, I stumbled upon some flocks of wild ducks and geese. They were only a little more tolerant of my looks than the more refined society of the barnyard was. That's saying something, because wild animals are a tough crowd. 

Greg:  Things were better, why didn't you stay with them?

Duckling:  Because of the hunters. They made life miserable for us, and shot quite a few ducks and geese. No, that pond was no place for the faint of heart. I decided that the risks were too great, so I took off from there. Not literally, you understand, I was still too young to fly.

Greg:  Oh my. Where did you go then?

Duckling:  I stumbled upon the cottage of an old woman. She was an old dear. I felt like a little sultan under her roof. She took good care of me for a while. But she had other pets--a cat and a hen. We did not get along well at all. They teased me endlessly about my looks. It was more than I could stand. 

Everywhere I went it was the same. All anyone saw was the way I looked, not the bird I was beneath the feathers and behind the beak. I tell you, it was enough to give me a complex!

I thought it would go in forever, but then I saw them.

Greg:  Saw who?

Duckling:  The swans. They were flying south for the winter, and they looked so regal and elegant. Something inside me moved. I longed to fly up and join them, but I was still unable to fly. I thought my heart would burst. Winter was coming and I had no place to go.

Greg:  So what happened? Winter can be a killer.

Duckling:  You don't have to tell me! I was found by a farmer, but that didn't work out--his children were very nasty. I decided the cold was better and left. I wound up living in a freezing little cave. I tell you, it was enough to drive me mad. In fact, I think it did, because when the spring thaw came I did something terribly daft.

Greg:  What, what?

Duckling:  I saw the swans return to the lake. That was the last straw. I saw their beauty and their regal bearing and I thought that I couldn't go on the way I was. I flung myself at them hoping that they would peck me to bits.

Greg:  Oh dear. Did they?

Duckling:  Did they what?

Greg:  Did they peck you to death?

Duckling:  Of course not. Would I be standing here if they had? By now I was all grown up. So, when they saw me, they told me what a beautiful swan I was. Naturally, I thought they were having me on, but then I saw my reflection in the lake and saw that it was true. I was a beautiful swan. The rest, as they say, is history.

Greg:  Wow, great story. You should write that down and get it published! Thanks for spending some time with us and talking things out. You'll get my bill in the mail.

Duckling:  Don't bother, I've already got one.