Monday Interview Series: The Grasshopper

Hello everybody! This week, I was able to pull a few strings and get someone from way back to talk with us. He's been a literary figure for centuries, ever since Aesop included him in what became a very famous fable. Please join me in welcoming the Grasshopper from The Ant and the Grasshopper to The Deliverers Publishing Headquarters!

Greg:  Welcome! It's so nice of you to hop by to talk with us.

Grasshopper:  Hey man, don't mention it, like I always enjoy hangin' with the press.

Greg:  Yes, well I know you're busy, so I appreciate it.

Grasshopper:  Actually, I don't have all that much to do, man. I think you're confusing me with that ant dude. Always rushin' here and there. It tires me out just watchin' him, man, know what I mean?

Greg:  Well, there are some who say that the Ant was rushing here and there to gather food for the long winter, so that he wouldn't starve. I'd say that was a pretty good reason to be busy.

Grasshopper:  Aw man, that ant is too uptight. Don't worry, be happy--that's my motto. I mean, just look around, dude. It's too nice a day to worry about all that gatherin' jive. Tomorrow's another day. Plenty of time for gatherin' then.

Greg:  That may be true, up to a point, but isn't there a saying that says never put off to tomorrow what you can do today?

Grasshopper:  Saying, schmaying. Why is everyone so uptight? You gotta live, man. The weather's too nice. Like, it's a perfect day to sit out in the sun and play the fiddle. I know some think fiddle playin' aint cool, but even the Ant likes to listen to my fiddle. It don't stop him from workin', but I've seen him tappin' one of his feet from time to time.

See, we don't take the time to relax and smell the roses, man. If I went around workin' all the time, I'd work myself into an early grave. Work, work, work. What do you have to show for it in the end? Just some food, some tired feet, and a sore thorax. That aint for me, cuz.

Greg:  I do agree that all work and no play is not the way to go, but don't you think that it's a good idea to gather up some supplies from time to time, in case there's some sort of emergency?

Grasshopper:  Emergency? What could happen on a day like today?

Greg:  I wasn't really thinking about today. I mean, today is gorgeous. But every day won't be as glorious as today. What about winter?

Grasshopper:  Aw man, don't be such a downer. Winter? Winter's a long way off, man. Plenty of time to get a little bit of food together by winter. Besides, I don't think winter's really as bad as they say. It's all a plot, man. The man came up with this whole winter deal to try and keep us down, toe the line. Aint no way I'm fallin' for that.

Greg: Really.

Grasshopper:  Yeah. Now, just between you and me, the Ant--well, let's just say he's a little bit gullible. They come around, givin' everyone the whole winter scam, and he right away starts gatherin'. You should see some of the stuff he brings home. Things ten times his own size.

See, they got him scared, and that causes a what do you call it? Oh yeah, an adrenaline rush. So he's pickin' up these huge things, and I'm thinkin, he aint never gonna eat all that, man. So who's crazy? The guy who waits and save his energy, then gets just what he needs, or the guy who knocks himself out collectin' a zillion times more than he could ever use?

Greg: When you put it like that, it sounds logical. So when are you going to start collecting?

Grasshopper:  Oh, I don't know. Tomorrow, the next day, next week. I got time, I tell you. Why don't you get off my back and just relax? Geez, you know what's wrong with this world? Too many uptight people! Didn't anyone ever tell you not to sweat the small stuff?

Greg:  Well, I know you won't be sweating this winter. Thanks for taking time from your busy schedule to talk to us.

Grasshopper:  No sweat, man. get it? No sweat! Ha that's a hot one! Hey, listen to me, I'm a joke factory! That's cool. See, now I'm on the cool kick. I went from hot to cold, get it? Oh, I slay me!

Monday Interview Series: The Big Bad Wolf

We've got one of the all time fairy tale bad guys here this week. I'm really looking forward to sitting down and learning more about the Big Bad Wolf.

Greg:  Well, thanks for sitting down with us this evening. 

Wolf:  I'm happy to be here. Usually, no one wants to talk with me, so I appreciate you having me on.

Greg:  We're happy to have you here. So, I have to ask--why pick on the pigs?

Wolf: I've never understood what all the fuss is about me and the pigs. I love pigs. Paws down, they're my favorite. I love them baked, boiled, grilled, and as sausage. Why pigs? Why not pigs? Hello, I'm a wolf, eating pigs is what I do.

Greg:  Okay, fair enough. You're a wolf, wolves eat pigs, among other things. I'll give you that. But what about that let me in, chinny chin chin, blow your house in rhyme?

Wolf:  What about the rhyme? You think fairy tales can't rhyme? Oh I know rhymes are usually reserved for nursery rhymes, but I should be celebrated for pushing boundaries. Wolves don't play it safe. Besides, the pigs came up with the "not by the hair on our chinny chin chins" part.

Greg:  All right, it's good to push boundaries--within reason. However, breaking and entering, even if you are pursuing your dinner, is definitely not cool.

Wolf:  Breaking and entering? You can honestly say that those things they lived in were houses. Well, okay, I'll give you the house made out of brick. That was definitely a house, but I never broke in to that. That house was solid.

The piles of straw and sticks that the other two called houses--forget about it.

Greg:  What bothers you the most about your experience with the three little pigs?

Wolf:  What, you mean besides them boiling me at the end? They're always rubbing the whole thing in may face. The longer this goes on, the more taunting they get. And everyone eats that up, you know? I mean, look at Disney. He wrote them that little song. "Who's afraid of the big bad wolf, tra la la la la." It just makes me want to sink my teeth into a nice pork chop! I never got a chance to have the last bite.

Greg:  It can be frustrating to never get a chance to respond. And with every version, the pigs always win.

Wolf:  Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. No one wants to see the wolf win. I mean, if I had so much as taken a bite out of one of those pigs, pigs' rights groups would be up in arms. The ASPCA would be putting together a lawsuit.

People think pigs are these cute little pink animals that have little ringlets for tails. Well, they're not. Those are piglets, people. Baby pigs! All babies are cute. Baby wolves are cute. Pigs, grown up pigs, like to root around in the mud. They're huge, hairy creatures that smell and eat garbage.

On the other hand, wolves are tidy, intelligent, intensely loyal animals with a highly developed social order. Sure, we eat pigs and other animals, but what else are we going to eat, blueberries?

Greg:  Well, not just animals. There are rumors circulating that you were involved in the Little Red Riding Hood incident at Grandma's house.

Wolf:  Lies, all lies! I was never in the neighborhood. I've got an alibi. It wasn't me, it was some rogue wolf. I would never, repeat, never attack a grandma or a little girl. That's just evil. I'm insulted you would even insinuate such a thing. Matter of fact, that's it, this interview is over. Later.

Greg:  Well, that was unpleasant. Still, there must be something to it for him to get so worked up about it. I'll sign off tonight with the following little tune.

Monday Interview Series: The Emperor

Today I'm going to be speaking with the Emperor from Hans Christian Andersen's story, The Emperor's New Clothes. This should be exciting. I always wanted to know how he could be taken in by those two dishonest tailors.

Greg:  It's a pleasure to have you here this week, Emperor. Er, um, uh, did you forget something, perhaps, my lord?

Emperor:  Hmm, what? What are you talking about, my good man? Forget something? Me? Well of course I haven't forgotten anything.

Greg:  Really? Because I think you very well may have.

Emperor:  I most certainly have not. Why do you ask?

Greg:  Well it's just that...forgive me if I seem rude, but, well. You're in your underwear.

Emperor:  Am I? Am I really? Or are you too dimwitted to see these fine clothes? The tailors said that those who are unfit for their positions, or simply stupid would not be able to see the thread that these clothes are made from. It's too bad for you, really. You seemed so nice and not stupid at all, but there you are. You can't see them, so it must be so.

In fact, these clothes are so comfortable, that it hardly seems like I'm wearing anything at all. I think I should have some underwear made to go with them.

Greg:  No!!! I mean, how can you be so sure that the tailors were telling you the truth? After all, that little boy in the crowd could see that you did not have any clothes on.

Emperor:  That boy? Hah, he's a boy, sir. Clearly he did not have the wits to see the truth. I'll admit, he did cause a stir there for a while, but a little pressure from my men at arms had him singing another tune shortly thereafter.

Greg:  But he was right! You're not wearing any clothes, I tell you!

Emperor:  You know, to be perfectly frank, I was a little worried there for a bit. Suddenly, everyone was yelling that I had nothing on. So, as I said, when that many people started saying that, I was worried. But then, suddenly, I hit upon the solution.

Greg:  Oh, what was that?

Emperor:  There are a lot of stupid people in the world.

Greg:  I think there's one more than you think.

Emperor:  What? I didn't quite catch that.

Greg:  It's not important. So, the tailors spun some thread, wove a suit of clothes, and you paraded down the main street of your capital city. The boy claimed you had no clothes. What happened next?

Emperor:  You mean after my men at arms finished with him?

Greg:  Yes, after that.

Emperor:  Oh, well I went back and ordered suits of clothes for the entire royal family. Oh yes, the Empress now has a fantastic gown that she wears all the time. My son, the Emperor-to-be, has a fine suit that is just like mine in every detail. And of course by daughter, Sissy, has a most dainty dress that she wears to every royal function.

Greg:  I see. So the tailors are still at it, eh? Still going strong?

Emperor:  Oh yes. They've set up a shop in town. Frightfully popular. I believe they've grown very rich.

Greg:  Well, so it seems everyone has made out quite well, apart from that young boy.

Emperor:  Oh no, he's seen the error of his ways. His mother purchased a beautiful tunic and pair of pantaloons from the tailors. He's frightfully pleased with them, I hear.

Greg:  So, all's well that ends well. A real fairy tale ending. Well, thank you for stopping by, Emperor, it really was most enlightening.

Emperor:  Not at all, dear boy. I had a frightfully splendid time. But, I say, is there a window open? I seem to be sitting in a draft.

Monday Interview Series: Rumpelstiltskin

On a recommendation from the Brothers Grimm, I was able to secure an interview with the reclusive and very secretive gold spinning gnome, Rumpelstiltskin. Even though the Grimms story has given him a huge amount of notoriety, he still shuns the limelight. Let's find out what interesting tidbits of information he can give us.

Greg:  Well, well, it certainly is a pleasure to have the world famous Rump--

Rumpelstiltskin:  No! Don't you say it! I'll not have you blabbin' my name all over the place! My name's my name and there's no one but me's goin' to use it!

Greg:  Well, I think it's a little late for that now, don't you? I mean, just about everyone has read your story. They all know your name is Rum--

Rumpelstiltskin:  Tut, tut. No sir! Don't you say it. I don't care if they do know it. It's the principal of the thing, you know! I'll not have my name spoken while I'm around if I can help it.

Greg:  Okay, okay. Sorry. I won't mention it, I promise. So what are you up to these days?

Rumpelstiltskin:  Well, not singing, that's for sure. The last time, I lost my chance at the queen's son, and a whole kingdom.

Greg;  Yes, that was unfortunate for you, although most readers weren't too upset by it to be honest with you.

Rumpelstiltskin:  The public don't have no sympathy. They see a beautiful princess and an old gnome, so of course they're gonna side with her. No one tries to see poor old Rumpel...er, um, my point of view. The world don't understand. We had an agreement, a bindin' contract, and she didn't play fair. She went and spied on me. 

And look at the girl's father. What kind of parent is he, I ask you? He tells the king "Oh yeah, she can spin straw into gold, yeah right, no problem!" What kind of father does that to his daughter? I'll tell you what kind. A greedy one that's what. He out to have been drummed out of the Fraternal Order of Fathers if you ask me.

Greg:  You may have a point there.

Rumpelstiltskin:  A point?! I think I have more than a point! If it wasn't for me, she would have been thrown in the dungeon after the first night. I was doin' her a favor. No one sees it my way. Oh it makes me mad!

Greg:  But surely you've been able to rise above that setback after all this time. What are you up to these days?

Rumpelstiltskin:  Well, I saw the error of my ways, obviously. I realized I'd been barkin' up the wrong tree. Straw is right out. I don't work in straw any more. I turned to paper. I turned a lot of paper into gold. For example, I turned stocks into gold in the late 1920's. Stocks they called 'em. I turned a lot of stocks into gold for people.

Greg:  Yeah, that was great, but the stock market crashed in 1929.

Rumpelstiltskin:  Well, the effect was only temporary. Paper don't stay gold long. Then, I turned real estate into gold a decade ago. That didn't take, either. A couple of years ago, that turned to junk. Things haven't been the same since, some folks say.

Greg:  Anything else?

Rumpelstiltskin:  Well, there's oil. I did a great job with that. It turns to gold pretty easily, but it's not stable. It keeps tryin' to change back to just a bunch of grease, but it won't.

Greg:  Why, is it because they made a bargain with you that hasn't been broken?

Rumpelstiltskin:  No, it's not my deal. They made a deal with someone else on that, but I don't go in for that kind of stuff. I don't like the heat.

Greg:  Well, uh, yes. Thank you for your time, Rum...er, Mr. R. It really has been quite enlightening.

Rumpelstiltskin:  Not at all, not at all. Actually, I'm thinkin' about gettin' back into my old line of work. I hear there's a princess over in England. She's bound to have a child on of these days. Do you think she'd be interested in three rooms full of gold straw?

Monday Interview Series: Captain Hook

Today we have the rare opportunity to speak with one of the most notorious pirates in history. He's sailed the seven seas, plundered many a ship, keelhauled countless unlucky souls, and is the scourge of children everywhere. Of course I'm referring to none other than Captain James Hook.

Greg:  Welcome, Captain Hook. I must say, I'm surprised that you left the comfort of your ship, the Jolly Roger, to visit us here on dry land.


Hook:  I find it amazing myself, but when I heard what an enjoyable time my friend and colleague, Captain Burt Sharky had with you, well how could I resist the invitation?


Greg:  Well, I must say that for a pirate you are incredibly, um, well spoken.


Hook:  Ah yes, that does tend to throw one off I've found. I must admit that most pirates I've been exposed to are terribly uneducated and, er, course. I, on the other hand--or should I say hook?--was fortunate enough to attend one of the finest colleges in Her Majesty's empire in my youth.


Greg:  Oh yes? What college was that?


Hook:  Eton College. I was studying political science, but I also enjoyed the arts, especially the works of Shakespeare. Unfortunately, my father, a nobleman of some renown, took me out of school and sent me to sea. That, alas, is where I have been ever since.


Greg:  You sound depressed about that. I always pictured you as the scourge of the sea. It seemed like you enjoyed it.



Hook:  To the untrained eye it might appear that way. I must admit that a pirate's life is, in many ways, wonderful, but they are such an uncouth lot. It really is too horrid to deal with at times. Still, the money's good, and there is a certain thrill in looting a ship and its crew.


Greg:  Although there is an element of danger. All sorts of things happen to pirates. The lose legs, eyes, even hands...


Hook:  Aye, 'tis true. As you so clumsily implied, I have been a victim of just such a catastrophe. However in my case, the catastrophe lies not in the losing of the hand, but in how it was lost. While other pirates battle grown men, I am forced to cavort with a boy.


Greg:  Oh, yes, you mean Peter Pan.


Hook:  Vex me not with that foul youth's name! Yes, I admit that I lost my hand to a mere boy, a flying boy mind you, but nevertheless, a boy. To add insult to injury, he threw my hand to a crocodile who has followed me ever since, waiting to eat the rest of me. So yes, the last vestiges of sanity have been torn from my by a scurvy brat and his band of rabble--Lost Boys they call themselves! Would that they were!

Greg:  Well, it seems I've hit a sore spot. Sorry about that.


Hook:  Oh, forgive me. I still have trouble controlling my emotions where that whelp is concerned. But I ask you, how could a child continually get the better of me? It isn't fair. I've worked to become hated, nay, feared. I believe that on the whole I've been successful, but then talk turns to that Peter Pan, and the whole thing flies out the window--no pun intended.


Oh I wish I'd never gone to sea. Politics would have been better. I mean, would it have been so bad, Parliament, I mean? If I had been an MP, I would not have to deal with the lot of silly rubbish that I have to deal with in my present situation. Oh well, hang on, I think I'd have to think that one over a little more carefully.


Greg:  Well, we'll just let you mull that over, eh Captain? After all, the grass is always greener off the port bow, right?


Hook:  Yes, yes, I see your point. I mean it's not such a bad life, really. I can set my hours, and I'm my own boss. Umm, uh, do you hear something ticking?