Monday Interview Series: The Scarecrow

Now that fall has arrived and elections, both local and national, are coming up in a couple of months, I am growing thoroughly sick of all the political ads. I'm not one to get political, especially in this blog, but it seems to me that we would be better served to be led by folks who check their egos at the door and use their brains.

Instead, all these politicians do is talk, talk, talk and rake each other over the coals. This reminds me of something this week's interviewee once said--"I've noticed that some people without brains do an awful lot of talking," which I think sums up modern day politics perfectly.

Okay, I'm down off my soapbox. This week, I'm talking with someone who claims they have no brain himself, but who seems to me to be very wise. Of course, I'm referring to the Scarecrow from The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

Greg:  Thank you so much for coming over to chat with us a bit. What have you been up to?

Scarecrow:  Oh, quite a lot, actually. It's really been a whirlwind since I met Dorothy--no pun intended.

Greg:  Yes, well you certainly had an adventure what with meeting Dorothy and the Tin Man and the Lion, and nearly being burned by the Wicked Witch.

Scarecrow:  Ooh! Let's not talk about that. It certainly was scary, like being trapped inside my worst nightmare. Still it wasn't all bad. I got to meet Dorothy and made some wonderful friends. Oh yes, and don't forget that the Wizard gave me some brains. I was a real dolt before that.

Greg:  Oh I don't know about that. You seemed to come up with some great ideas before you got anywhere near the Emerald City. For instance, who was it that got the trees to throw apples at you? Who came up with the plan to get into the Witch's castle? And, who chopped the rope that dropped the chandelier onto the Witch's guards? That wasn't the work of a dummy.

Scarecrow:  That was just luck. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time is all. Besides, things didn't really start to take off for me until after the Wizard gave me my brains.

Greg:  Really? How so?

Scarecrow:  Well, you see, just before the Wizard took off in his balloon, he appointed me to rule in his stead. Now you can imagine how scary that was for a humble country bumpkin like myself who had only had his brains for a very short while. Of course, I did the best I could. Folks seemed to be reasonably happy with the job I did.

On the whole, I felt I did an okay job. Of course after a while there was this coup by General Jinjur, so I guess things might not have gone as smoothly as I would have liked. I was able to get help from Glinda the Good Witch on that occasion, so things turned out okay in the long run.

Greg:  That sounds exciting. Things seem to have worked out well for you. Are you still ruler of Oz?

Scarecrow:  It's funny how things work out. You see, I was almost happy that I got ousted. Once I was restored to power, I wasn't really happy. Then Ozma came along. I was more than happy to pass the job along to her, and to become one of her advisors. I found it was much easier to offer advice than to actually have to make a decision.

Greg:  Yes, well good for you. I'm glad you finally found your happy place. And after all, didn't the Tin Woodman declare you the wisest man in Oz?

Scarecrow:  It was very kind of him to say, and I must admit there is some truth to it. Not to sound conceited, but people do come to me from all corners of Oz and beyond ask for my advice.

Greg:  Really? Well, how very nice for you. And what are you up to these days?

Scarecrow:  I am currently outstanding in my field.

Greg:  Oh yes, and what field is that?

Scarecrow:  No, no, you misunderstand me. I've gone back to my roots. I've returned to thee field where Dorothy found me, and I can usually be found out standing in it. Get it? I'm usually out standing in my field? That's a little bit of brainy humor. Now if you'll excuse me, there are some crows that need outsmarting. Bye, now!

Monday Interview Series: Ali Baba

This week we are talking with someone who's really made something of himself. He started out as a poor woodcutter, and is now a very wealthy merchant. I'm talking of course about Ali Baba. Let's see if we can find out the secret of his success.

Greg:  Hello. I'm so glad you could take a few minutes to talk with us. You must be very busy.

Ali Baba:  Yes, things are very busy just now. I deal in spices. All the spices of the Orient. I have a caravan that travels the Silk Road to bring many exotic flavors to the west.

Greg:  My, you certainly have a lot going on. Tell me, do you ever yearn for the simpler days when you were a humble woodcutter?

Ali Baba:  No, not really. Those were simpler times, but hard. I do not think that I would ever want to return there. 

Greg:  I can understand that. So, I have to ask, what is the secret to your sudden success?

Ali Baba:  Well, er, um, I don't know if I should say. After all, we've only just met and you might, er, be indiscreet.

Greg:  No I won't, I promise. Please tell me, please, please pleeeease?

Ali Baba:  Oh all right stop whining. I will tell you, but you must promise to tell no one else!

Greg:  Oh, I promise. I will not say anything about it. I'll leave that up to you.

Ali Baba: Very well. I was fortunate enough to stumble upon a little bit of money. With that money I was able to purchase my brother Cassim's business. Thee rest is history and hard work. The business was not worth much when I bought it, but I have managed to build it up through the sweat of my brow.

Greg:  Oh really. What happened to Cassim, then?

Ali Baba:  Oh, he retired to Florida. He's very happy there. I believe he golfs daily and is president of his local Lions Club.

Greg:  But, that's it? What about the robbers' cave--Open Sesame and the hidden treasure trove?

Ali Baba:  What are you talking about?

Greg:  The story. Surely that's how you made your fortune. There were 40 thieves. You stumbled upon their cave and heard them open it by saying Open sesame. You took some gold and your brother found out about it. He went to get some money, but the thieves found him there and cut him up. Then they came to your house. The leader was disguised as an oil merchant and the rest were hidden in oil jars. You discovered this and poured boiling oil in the jars and killed them. After that you were rich. That story!

Ali Baba:  Oh, ho, ho! You should not believe everything that you read, sir! Oh boy, what a riot. Wait until I go home and tell the wife and kids! How very amusing. To think that you believed such a far-fetched story.

Greg:  So you mean that the story of Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves...

Ali Baba:  Is just a legend? Yes. You cannot believe everything you read, my boy. Oh I have heard some doozies in my time, but this one takes the cake. Next you'll tell me you believe in flying carpets and jeanies!

Greg:  What, you mean Aladdin is just a legend, too? But it seemed so real in the movie!

Ali Baba:  Oh, now that's rich, you a just a cross between a bird and a cow-- a gull-i-bull--gullible, get it? Oh, that's a hoot. Now I have to leave. I've got so much to do. I just oiled my thieves and I can't do a thing with them. Ha, ha, hoo, hoo!

Well, that was rather embarrassing! Anyway, here's a little bit from Kermit the Frog, who also seems to have bought into the legend.

Monday Interview Series: Humpty Dumpty

Hello everyone. I'm here in the hospital, because I've just received some exciting news in the case of Humpty Dumpty. The legendary egg called me and asked me to meet him here, so that he could share what he claims is some extraordinary news. He would not elaborate further, but I will do my best to bring to light all the facts in what promises to be a remarkable press conference.

Greg:  Hi Humpty. I rushed right over like you asked. What's the big news?

Humpty:  Well, thank you for being so prompt my good fellow. Yes indeed, I do have some splendid news. I've been notified that I qualify for a new procedure. It's been in development for quite some time, but has not been fully certified by the FDA, so it is still regarded as experimental.

Greg:  That sounds encouraging, but also a little bit risky.

Humpty:  Yes, well there are risks, but ever since that sad day when I fell off the wall, life has been touch and go. All the king's men--and his horses--were totally useless. I only managed to survive because some quick-thinking passerby got my yolk into a ziplock bag and stuck the whole caboodle into their lunch box which had a cold pack inside. 

After that, the folks at thee hospital constructed this plastic bubble which has been my home for ages. A bit claustrophobic, but much better than the alternative. Anyway, my doctor has advised me that the potential benefits far outweigh the risks involved.

Greg:  I see. Well when you put it like that, I have to agree. What is this exciting new procedure?

Humpty:  It's called a shell transplant.

Greg:  Shell transplant? You mean, like an organ transplant?

Humpty:  Well, yes and no. The shell is not natural. It was grown in a lab in two halves. As I understand it, they will put all my internal parts--my white and my yolk--into the bottom half of the shell. Then, they'll place the pointier half on top. A team of surgeons will then fuse the two halves together using lasers, which will form a bond that should hold everything together for good.

Greg:  I see. Well, it certainly is amazing what science can accomplish nowadays.

Humpty:  It certainly is. This shell comes with a whole bunch of features, too. They're not covered by my HMO, but I decided to splurge.

Greg: What sort of extras?

Humpty:  Let's see. There's wi-fi, satellite TV and radio, and a built-in GPS. On the practical side, there's a shell stress detector which sounds a warning if any part of my exterior is in danger of cracking, a self-contained lifting device for getting out of my carton in the morning, and an IHB.

Greg:  I'm sorry, IHB?

Humpty:  Instant Hard Boiler. If I am ever in danger of falling off a wall, the IHB will deploy, and I'll be hard boiled before I hit the ground. This should avoid thee near tragedy of last time. All I would have to do is get another transplant.

Greg:  I don't know if you should be going near any more walls after this. Well, I see the doctors are heading this way with a gurney, so best of luck, and I'll see you in the recovery room.

Humpty:  Thank you. I'm afraid I won't be able to stay away from walls, though. I love them, feeling the wind in my face as I sit on one. As a matter of fact, as soon as I get out of the hospital, I'm going to visit the Great Wall. I've always wanted to go there. It should be very exhilarating sitting on that!  

Monday Interview Series: The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe

Happy Labor Day, everybody! I hope you're all enjoying the "last" day of summer. Christian and Abigail are all set to start school tomorrow. Today we had a cookout, and a fire in the fire oit with burgers, hot dogs and s'mores, yum!

Since it's Labor Day, I figured it would be good to talk to someone who is constantly working--the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe. After all, she has so many children she doesn't know what to do. Let's find out what she thinks of Labor Day and back to school.

Greg:  Thanks for taking time out to chat with us. I know you've got an extremely busy schedule.

Old Lady:  Yes, well, I just got the last one down to bed. Now I have about two minutes to chat before I start the laundry.

Greg:  Okay, I'll try to make this quick. How many children do you have, exactly?

Old Lady:  So many that I don't know what to do. To be perfectly frank, I lost count at 30, and that was quite a while ago.

Greg:  Wow. Did you give birth to all of them?

Old Lady:  No, unlike that woman down south who has 19 and is still counting, I did not. I adopted most of my little darlings. There are plenty enough young ones in the world without homes. So, I decided to open mine to as many as possible.

Greg:  Well, I must say that is very admirable. However, a shoe?

Old Lady:  Be it ever so humble, it's still a good home, and I have yet to hear any of the children complain. Still, I have to admit that it does get a bit cramped at times. Why only the other day I was speaking with Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater about renting out his pumpkin shell, but he's still got his wife in there. He keeps her very well in it, so much so that now she won't come out, so that possibility has been cut off.

Greg:  How do you manage to keep the shoe so clean. Where do you find the time?

Old Lady:  Well, you have to make the time, dear. Recently, my neighbor, the farmer in the dell, he replaced my laces with some lovely Velcro. It make it much quicker and easier to give the entire place a thorough airing out. You know how shoes can be--Odor Eaters just don't cut it honey.

Greg:  Well, that will certainly open the place up. Do your children help you?

Old Lady:  The older ones watch the younger ones and help with the chores, but I still have my hands full. I'm glad that school has finally started again. Getting them all out of the shoe for six hours does give me the chance to get caught up a little. But it's not all curds and whey you know. I still have to get several lunches made and outfits laid out. Not to mention the baths, oh I can't bear to talk about them.

I swear, if I have to fight with one more child about washing their hair, I think I'll scream. Then there's breakfast in the morning and off to the bus. If just one is running late, that means the whole group misses the bus, because they won't go to the bus stop until everyone is ready. Then I have to load up the tour bus to take everyone to school, and heaven forbid if I've forgotten to fill the tank. It almost isn't worth the trouble.

Greg:  It sounds like you're doing all this yourself. Isn't there, um, an Old Man Who Lives in the Shoe?

Old Lady:  There was, once, but that snake couldn't take the pressure. One morning he said he was going to market of by a fat pig, and that's the last I saw of the old so-and-so. Don't get me started about him. I wish you hadn't mentioned him at all.

Greg:  I beg your pardon. What do you and the family do for fun?

Old Lady:  Well, I have to admit that it's not all hard work and drudgery. After all, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Actually, Jack's not really that dull, although he is a bit odd. You know, he actually sold his mother's cow for a handful of beans. Oh, that poor woman, the things she has to put up with. Now Jack's into gardening. He took those beans and planted them, although what that will get him, I can't imagine.

Oh, but you were asking what we did for fun, dear. Well let me see, The children are always up for a good game of ring around the rosie. Sometimes we stop by Little Boy Blue's to hear him blow his horn. He's really quite good, you know.

Greg:  Yes, there's nothing like a good concert. Well, thanks for taking some precious time to talk with us. Enjoy the school year!

Old Lady:  Thank you very much. Oh by the way Simple Simon is coming to pick me up at 6 o'clock on Saturday. We're going to the fair! As we discussed, I'll need you here by 5:45 to babysit.